Of Lies and Goodbyes
by magic-carpet
Summary: It's not easy to say goodbye, and no one has had to do so as many times as Horatio Caine has. It's no wonder that he hates them so much. Oneshot.


Author: Lilly

Title: Of Lies and Goodbyes

Summary: It's not easy to say goodbye, and no one has had to do so as many times as Horatio Caine has. It's no wonder that he hates them so much.

A/N: I wrote this in about an hour, hehe. It's a drabble, I guess. I know it's my second depressing fic in a row, I'll have some happier stuff up soon. But for now, I thought I'd put it up anyway. Please, please review. I can't say it enough. It makes it all worth it.

One more note: To clarify, Horatio wasn't actually with everyone here when they died/left, (John Hagen) but I still think it's a major goodbye. And as for Ray, it's his second death, where Horatio was with him. ;)

**Of Lies and Goodbyes**

_Timothy Speedle_

It was all too ironic to Horatio. Speed had lived alone for years, and on the day he died, he spoke of family. He wanted to settle down, eventually, much to Horatio's surprise.

He was perfect for CSI: mentally tough, smart, he kept his emotions in check, and created a thick line between his work life and his personal life. He had the kind of attitude that made everyone who met him wonder how he got himself to work in the morning, but those close to him knew him well enough to know how. He loved his job, though he never let anyone know.

Horatio held Speed's hand as he died, trying to stop the blood flow that choked the young man. It was a lost cause. He had never loved a CSI as much as he did Speed, and he never did again. It hurt too much, and after losing one, it made him think he could lose another.

He never recovered from that day, was never the same again. He had to be strong for everyone else, but it was an inner battle that he never quit waging. He told himself over and over again that he could get through it, that he needed to pretend everything was okay, that one day- _one day_- things would go back to normal, but even he didn't believe it.

* * *

_John Hagen_

He had never cared for the man much. Truth be told, towards the end he thought of him as some sort of a burden. He was a polite, friendly enough guy, but he let the job get to him more than anyone else, showed a little too much emotion, wanted to be part of the excitement and showed it.

He saw what went on between John and Calleigh, too. He began to worry more about Calleigh's wellbeing than wish the couple well. They always seemed to have some issue, as if they were never completely happy with one another. It troubled him, just like Ray's death troubled Hagen.

John Hagen never got over Ray, never got over the job they had been involved in. Suddenly he was alone, and he needed to feel that rush he had felt with Ray to ever feel whole again. When turned down, he was useless- and he knew it, he felt it.

Horatio wanted to say so much to him, to tell him how much Ray had admired him, to praise his work, to allow him to work the cases, to send him off on a vacation- he sure as hell needed one- but he couldn't bring himself to. He wasn't one for deep conversations. He declined Hagen's offer to help him find Ray Jr. and then the man went and shot himself. Horatio didn't blame himself- he knew that he did everything he did to benefit others, this occasion no different- but it still hurt. When he discovered that Ray was alive, he knew Hagen should have known. He would have known, too.

He wished he had told him, wished he'd let him work that one last case. Then again, Horatio did most everything alone. He wasn't about to change that for John.

* * *

_Yelina Salas_

He put her on that plane, handed her back to his cheating and lying brother, and sent her away, as far as he could think of, because he loved her. He couldn't say it without cringing- _he was_ _in love with his brother's wife!_- but he still knew it was true, as much as he knew it was wrong. She probably did too, because of the way he looked at her.

He had been there through the funeral preparations, and raising Ray Jr., and the nights where she missed him, and needed company, and the boyfriends, and the abuse, and the breakups. He had sat with her while she cried, he had broken the news about Madison to her, and he had driven miles to get to her house just to fix a leaky faucet. He had made sure she knew he was always there for her, had run countless cases by her side, and when the paperwork seemed endless, she would glance up and he'd be standing there, smiling, ready to take her out for lunch.

Ray had broken her heart. He had been involved with drugs, put their family at risk, left her alone with Ray Jr. on late nights, sometimes not to return until morning, had faked his death and crushed their family, had cheated on her, hid a second child from her, and then popped up again and expected her to come running to him. And she did, and Horatio helped encourage her.

He sent them away to fix things, but he knew that their marriage was over. And when he put her on that plane, he hugged her for a few seconds longer than he should have, just to remember what she looked like, what she sounded like, smelled like, and felt like in his arms. He knew that it was only a matter of time until their marriage ended, but he wanted to be able to say he gave them a chance.

* * *

_Marisol Delko Caine_

He was sure that no one understood their love. He wasn't even sure he understood it. He knew that he wanted nothing more than to make her feel happy. If happy meant taking her out to dinner every night, holding her hand, calling her sweetheart, kissing her when no one was watching, making gentle- the doctors assured them _gentle_ was safe- love to her, and marrying her, then he would do it. He did it, and then he lost her.

He always knew he would lose her. She had a few months at best, but he still hated to see her die with a bullet in her stomach. He couldn't help but think that if not for him, she would have lived longer. Truth be told, she was dying anyway. No matter what the doctor's said, Horatio could see that she had been weakened. The bullet just sped up the process.

Her funeral was a quiet affair, just like her life was. She was too young, too innocent, too uneducated, and hadn't seen enough. If Horatio had given her half of what she deserved, he had done his job.

At the same time, he was ashamed. To the world, it looked like he had met her, married her, slept with her, and then let her die. Everything had moved too fast. He knew it had, but he had done it for her. He took what little time she had left and packed as much happiness as he could into it.

She died holding his hand. Her brother was off at a crime scene Horatio had assigned him to. Eric had grown up with her, Horatio had met her three months ago. He wished it had been Eric sitting there, holding his sister's hand, telling her he loved her. That was his mistake, and he knew it.

He never was good at goodbyes. And to him, revenge- killing the Mala Noche members in cold blood, stripping himself of any innocence he still had, submitting himself to the violent lifestyle he had tried so hard to avoid- was as close to a rightful goodbye as he could muster.

* * *

_Raymond Caine_

They had grown up together. They weren't conventional brothers- both knee-deep in the world of crime and fighting it, each on opposite sides of the table- but Horatio still loved Ray. He had been there when their father had killed their mother, had seen Horatio's struggle with their father. He had lived with the depression, the tears, the beatings, and the heartbreak alongside Horatio. If anyone understood, it was Ray.

He was a loose cannon, Horatio knew it. He was wrong for the job, got too involved in what he did, put his career before his family, and was a bit too eager to fake his death and leave them alone and afraid.

He had based his life off lies, drugs, and make-believe. He had fooled his family, fooled his friends, and fooled himself, and couldn't change any of that. He wasn't strong enough to handle the harsh world of undercover narcotics, and it got him killed.

He had cheated, lied, stolen, broken boundaries, crushed his friends, abandoned his family, and screwed over anyone who had ever cared about him. And still, as Horatio crouched by his baby brother's broken and bloodied body, he couldn't help but feel like he was losing a part of himself for the second time. He had to do everything he had done the first time all over again. Ray had left so many mistakes- so many pieces- behind for Horatio to pick up, and he did it, and it hurt him, and he hated Ray for it. But he was still family. At the end of the day, family was everything. And Horatio would have to re-bury those mistakes, just like he'd have to re-bury Ray.

* * *

_Alexx Woods_

He had known her longer than anyone else at the lab. She was the mother of the team, and he was the father. When a case got tough, he knew he could walk down to the morgue and she would give him a piece of evidence to offer a lead in the case, tell him something he needed to hear, or just put a smile on his face.

He understood her reasons for leaving, but it didn't make it hurt any less. Family was everything. She knew that, and she chose to help her family. She did the right thing, and Horatio was having trouble with it. Why did the 'right thing' have to hurt this much?

Of course he wouldn't have much trouble finding a new ME, but no one could take her place. The potentials had heard of her. They thought she was a kook, but Horatio knew she was a genius.

He finally decided on a young woman who seemed promising. He visited the morgue less frequently, and wished he could tell Alexx how much he missed her. He struggled with words. He called her less and less, and eventually, felt it strange to call her at all, unless it was her birthday.

There was so much he wanted to say, but 'our doors are always open' left the possibility for return. Though he knew she wouldn't come back, pretending was easier than saying goodbye.


End file.
